Happy New Year! (again??)

Hanya 44 posts yang berjaya dikongsi tahun ni, berbanding tahun lepas di mana saye macam minah kepoh jejari tumpul, semua benda nak cerita kepada 'my incik bloggy' aka MIB. *duhhh..

Well, 2010, as a whole it was pretty much, a dull year for me. It was really fast too, I can't remember much what had really happened in this year.

- I completed my medical degree but not quite finished as a student. That was 2 months ago.
- I got my very first baby car. In love with it. That was just 3 weeks ago.
- and... urm.. I can't recall anything else other than that. Did I tell you that I have a really bad memory?

2011. I am pretty sure that it will be a TOTALLY different chapter for me. 
And I really hope that it will be awesome. :)

I wanna get out from the same circle I've been in for the last five years.
Keep dreaming but never really do something to make it happen.
I wanna change. I need to change. And I will change.


Cheers, to a new year, a new chapter, a new beginning...

Happy New Year everyone. :)

P/S: It has been 5 years of bitterness, perhaps it's time for me to taste some sweetness? Let's hope so.

Homey homey

Reading back my previous posts, I realized that for the past two years, I've been writing mostly about, my homesickness, how I miss home, how I miss my country, how badly I wanna go home. Now that I am here, back for good (whoaa it is great to be able to say that!) well I don't have anything much to say anymore. I stopped complaining. I stopped whining. I feel content! I feel comfortable. :)

I know this won't last very long. It never did. Believe me, my life is never 'drama'less for longer than one month. Hehe. But somehow, being home feels different. I am home dude. Trouble is always there but it can come and go. It won't change the fact that I am now at home, the only place I belong.




P/S: Happy this way. Maybe unhappiness and miserableness is waiting for me somewhere around the corner, but let me enjoy this moment for now. I am happy. :)

Update Yang Tak Penting

Arkk dah lama blog sepi tanpa sepatah khabar. Semua bitter and sweet rona-rona kehidupan saye sudah masuk Twitter la sekarang.

Ok la moh update sedikit;

1. 12 Oktober 2010- hari paling bahagia dalam hidup, pertama kali menitiskan air mata kegembiraan, saya sudah lulus menjadi seorang doktor. Aa? Tukar ayat sikit. Saya sudah lulus medic school selama 5 tahun, saya sudah boleh keluar dari Surabaya untuk selama-lamanya!

2. 21 Oktober 2010- Balik ke Malaysia for good.

3. Sedang menganggur, tunggu transcript dari University dan sedang takut gila nak start kerja.

4. Saya suka tengok Glee.

5.  Dengar cerita, AC Mizal nak dapat title Datuk ujung taun ni, betul ke?


Ok lah itu saje update buat masa ini. Walaupun ada yang takde kaitan dengan kehidupan saye. Will be back later!~




P/S: Not ready to enter a brand new chapter of my life. (-_-")

Genap 5 Tahun di Surabaya

22 Ogos 2005

Seorang gadis berumur 20tahun, berbaju kurung hitam bermotifkan bunga mawar kuning tompok-tompok, tiba di Lapangan Terbang Antarabangsa Juanda, Surabaya. Bersama-sama dia sewaktu itu adalah bakal sahabat-sahabat seperjuangannya yang ketika itu semuanya datang bersama keluarga masing-masing. Hanya dia yang memakai baju kurung pada hari itu (tak tau ler ape kejadah yang dia pikiaq sampai pi pakai baju kurung nak travel jauh-jauh). Dan hanya dia yang datang tanpa ditemani ibu bapa maupun keluarganya. Dan hanya di mata dia, jelas kelihatan bengkak dek kerana tangisan yang tak dapat nak ditahan setelah berpisah dengan keluarganya di KLIA. 22 Ogos 2005, hari di mana Izyan Nadirah dan kawan-kawannya pertama kali menjejakkan kaki ke bumi Surabaya.

22 Ogos 2010

Gadis yang dulu tiba di Surabaya dengan wajah innocent, sekarang sudah semakin tough.

Yang dulu tidak lekang dengan long skirt konon-konon ayu, sekarang sudah menjadi minah rempit.

Yang dulu sangat mudah percayakan orang lain, sekarang hatinya sekeras batu.

Yang dulu, masih lurus seperti pembaris, sekarang sudah berliku-liku.

Look what Surabaya has done to Izyan Nadirah.

But it's not all bad. In fact, growing stronger is not bad at all. 

Learning more about life, and people, is not bad. 

And learning from mistakes is still the best way to learn something isn't it? =)

So Izyan Nadirah is very much grateful for she has been given chance to know Surabaya, and its culture, and its people. 

However, I must say that, I did not adjust myself to this place so well. I neither speak nor understand bahasa jawa, at all, not even one simple word. And my bahasa Indonesia is still not as good as others. 

And when people ask me, apa yang menarik kat Surabaya? 

Sebagai orang yang dah hidup di sini selama 5 tahun, I suck at answering this question. It would always begin with a long "errr....".

Dengan itu, untuk itu post ini akan saye tujukan untuk mempromot Surabaya. Moh kite terjah apa yang menarik di sini. 

1. Errr....

2. Gunung Bromo

If you love volcanoes and wish to see something like this, you can come here. Sebenarnya Gunung Bromo ni bukan situated in Surabaya pun, but it's in Jawa Timur, and is just about 3-4 hours from Surabaya (if I'm not mistaken). So this makes Gunung Bromo as one of the most recommended place to visit if you are in Surabaya.

3. Taman Safari
I have never been to any other Taman Safari except the one in Malang, Jawa Timur. Tapi saye rasa, ok la kot Taman Safari sini. Boleh pegang harimau, mak singa, anak singa, monyet dan lain-lain. I love animals. So I love Safari. On the way balik from Bromo to Surabaya you might wanna singgah to Taman Safari sekejap, cuci mata tengok binatang. =D

4. Shopping
In terms of shopping, which is considered wajib in travel itinerary, well, I have been to Jakarta, and I think Jakarta is a better shopping spot than here. Depending on what you wanna buy, if branded stuff lu balik KL la, tak payah cari sini. Tapi kalau nak cari kebaya, telekung, batik, kain, boleh lah ke sini, banyak pilihan dan murah-murah.Tapi jangan tanya saye, sumpah tak tau nak suggest kat mana. Not my expertise. Oh ya, kalau nak beg kulit murah-murah dan elok pun banyak juga, go to Tanggulangin, 2 hours from Surabaya.

5. Tempe penyet
Ayayay saye dengar kat Malaysia sudah ada Warung Penyet yeh. Mula-mula dengar, wuddaheck. Apa lagi bila dengar orang Malaysia suka. Tapi sekarang, saye rasa entah-entah saye pun rindu nak makan penyet once I go back for good. It's a simple meal, really. Tapi ini la yang kitorang kat sini duk makan almost everyday kalau malas nak masak. Tekak saye yang dulunya tak boleh terima pedas, sekarang sangat suka pedas. Perut dulu yang selalu 'cherry berry' setiap kali lepas makan sambal, sekarang sudah kebal.
Kepada peminat-peminat penyet di Malaysia, dengan bangganya saye nak bagitau penyet ni asalnya Surabaya ok.So make sure you grab some while you're here.

Kawan-kawan Surabaya, sila la tambah kalau ada yang kurang. Told ya I suck at this. (-_-)


P/S: Oh will I miss this place one day? Surprisingly, I think I will...

Short holiday, short update

Cuti 1 minggu telah pun berakhir, sekarang saya kembali ke poo poo land. Cuti satu minggu yang pendek tetapi manis. Manis kerana dapat jumpa dan salam dengan mak ayah sebelum mereka bertolak ke Mekah minggu depan, dapat jumpa each and every one of my family members, dan dapat gomol Abu puas-puas, dan dapat berjumpa dan berborak bersama 2 of my old best friends, Ajie and Serre, dan dapat memenuhi nafsu makan yang membuak-buak. (name it, nasi dagang nasi kerabu nasi minyak, kueh mueh malaysia semua saya bantai dalam satu minggu cuti)

Bulan Ogos tahun 2010 sudah pun bermula. 18 bulan sebagai 'dokter muda' InsyaAllah akan berakhir tak lama lagi. Ramai orang tak paham sebenarnya istilah dokter muda ni, ramai ingat saya dah official jadi dokter. Dokter muda di sini adalah panggilan untuk student medic yang sedang clinical rotation di hospital for one and a half year, and have completed the 7 semesters of academic education. So I am not yet, a doctor. And I cannot give you all MCs just yet. =P

Forensics is gonna be our last rotation, which will start in 11th August and will end before raya. Akan membedah mayat sewaktu bulan Ramadhan, but assuming that semua orang jadi baik masa bulan puasa, dan jenayah berkurang, firasat saya mungkin kitorang tak dapat mayat pun.

Bulan Ramadhan pun akan tiba tak lama lagi. Oh bahagianya. Sangat rindu dengan bulan Ramadhan. Semoga Ramadhan tahun ini, lebih baik dan berkah daripada Ramadhan tahun lepas. :')

P/S: Everything is gonna be fine...everything is gonna be fine...

Berat

"Ayah, tolong doakan Irah lulus ujian ye."

"Ayah dah memang selalu doakan Irah. Ayah tak sabar nak tunggu Irah habis belajar, balik sini biar dekat sikit dengan ayah & mak, ayah tak sabar nak tengok Irah pergi kerja sendiri tiap-tiap hari, naik kereta sendiri. Ayah harap ayah sempat tengok semua tu sebelum ayah pejam mata."

Berat berat berat.. Berat betul hati ni setiap kali dengar ayah kata macam ni. Mata berat dengan air mata, hati berat kerana sebak. Bahu berat memikul harapan ayah. Berat dengan penyesalan sebab selalu malas belajar. Berat!!!

P/S: Tapi jangan salah paham, ayah saye tak pernah memberatkan saye, cube kalau saye rajin belajar, musti tak rasa berat macam gini kan. (-_-") I am still a Raju. I'm still scared. Help..?

All is WELL! (^_^)

Have you all watched 3 idiots? If you're a student, I highly suggest you watch that movie. Just ignore all the 'tak logik' scenes that we can always find in any hindi movies, but take only great lessons from this movie. This one is not that typical though, it's not like any other lovey dovey hindi movies, I promise. =)

It's about friendship of three roommates. These 3 idiots are three engineering students, one of them (Farhan) has great talent in photography but he has joined engineering school just to make his parents happy. The other boy (Raju) loves engineering with all his heart but never excel in any of his exams. And the last one is Rancho, an extraordinary boy, a free thinker who leaves huge remarks in each of his friends' lives.

When I put myself into those characters, I always thought that I'm more like Farhan. I'm doing this 70% to fulfill ayah's wish. So I started to imagine, to wonder.. What would be my real passion if let's say it is not medicine? What would I be if I'm not gonna be a doctor?

An engineer?

That was my initial ambition before I had to learn Physics in form4. I hated that subject. Couldn't wrap my tiny little brain around this subject. So no, I wouldn't make a good engineer.

An accountant?

If I accept the offer to do Accountancy in Uitm 5 years ago, maybe right now I would be sitting on a chair in my office, doing all the kira-kira thingy. Or maybe I would be sitting at home goyang kaki sebab tak dapat kerja. So nope. Not an accountant. Account sendiri pun tak dapat nak manage dengan baik. (-_-")

An architect?

I love drawing. Nak kata tangan ni kaku sangat, takde la jugak, boleh je menjadi kretip kadang-kadang. But since I was a kid, most of the times it took me a realllly long time to finish even one drawing. Lembab macam siput! So I would make a slow architect. And I don't like being slow. So, nope nope. 

A teacher?

This has never occurred even in my wildest imagination. I wouldn't make a good teacher. Despite happen to have no talent in teaching, I'm sure I would be a cranky one.

A politikus?
Aha I would love to be one, I love sharing ideas with people. But I'm not always a people person. I love my privacy, I hate being the center of attention and I wouldn't want to share my life with those people who make politics become so dirty. So, this one will just have to wait, it is still not a very good idea.

What else? A model?

Ini cita-cita masa tadika. Kalau nak jadi model kaki je tanpa muka boleh la, muka macam gini sape nak ambik jadi model.

My imagination been wandering back and forth to those blurry images and finally, to a clearer image. An image of myself in a white coat, holding a stethoscope, a purely sincere smile on my lip while approaching a sick old man lying on a bed, asking how he's feeling today and do a little check up before I move to the next bed. And to imagine that I would be doing that in every day of my life, go to work, finish work, go back home feeling satisfied to know that my existence in this world, is not just for me but also to others.

I am doing this because I love it. I am doing this because this is the only passion I have. Ok I hate to admit that I actually had joy reading Medical Physiology. =P

So I am actually more like Raju, not Farhan. Raju loves engineering, but he's too afraid if he couldn't make it. He has fear of failure, and that wouldn't bring him anywhere close to excellence.

I don't want to be afraid anymore.Whatever will be, will be. I just want to be happy with whatever I'll do.

P/S: Ini adalah entry yang sangat positip yang sangat jarang kita dapatkan di belog ini. Ngehehe.

A lil bit insecure...

Kadang-kadang saye tertanya-tanya ada ke orang yang baca bebelan saye yang membosankan, tidak cendekiawan dan tidak intelektual di belog ini. Hello? Is there anybody out there? Somebody? Yoohooo?~

Tapi kadang-kadang kalau boleh saye taknak tahu pun siapa yang baca belog ini kerana saye membebel bukanlah atas dasar nak suruh orang baca. Malah kadang-kadang saye menganggap saye membebel sorang-sorang saje dan tak ada sesiapa akan peduli dan ini cuma lah tempat luahan hati saya. 

Kerana anggapan tersebut, saye telah beberapa kali terlanjur menjadi tidak tahu malu di sini. Ehehe jadi, semoga saje tidak ada jiran-jiran kampung saye, makcik pakcik yang pernah terbaca belog ini. Kerana di mata mereka saye adalah seorang gadis yang ayu, bersopan-santun dan kau begitu sempurna. (Ok itu adalah suatu pengangkatan diri sendiri yang melampau.) (-_-")

Sejak akhir-akhir ni, kerana kesuntukan masa untuk menceritakan semua benda kat encik bloggy, dan tidak ada boyfriend tempat mengadu bergayutan seperti monyet, maka satu-satunya tempat saye menceritakan segala-galanya adalah kepada ayah saye. Kesian ayah, terpaksa mendengar cerita-cerita Irah yang tak menarik.

"Ayah, semalam Irah on call kat hospital sibuk sangat. Bayangkan Irah sorang jaga wad yang ada 40 patient! Doktor tak datang tengok pun. Dahlah nurse kurang ajar, pemalas, bla bla bla"

"Ayah, Irah kadang-kadang boleh je jawab soalan doktor, tapi kalau yang terus nak tengking-tengking tu, Irah susah la nak tahan, sure terus blank.." Dan akan diteruskan dengan nasihat dari ayah selama 30minit.

"Ayah, I think I finally love medicine!" =) Dan dia sangat lega mendengar ayat power nan satu ini.

"Ayah, tadi jumpa Madam W pasal nak uruskan visa, macam mana ni, dia nak paw 2 juta rupiah!." Dan dia sama-sama tolong cari jalan penyelesaian untuk masalah bodoh macam ni.

"Ayah, apa kata ayah tolong miss call Irah pagi-pagi masa ayah qiamullail boleh Irah join sekali. Ngeee.." Dan tiap-tiap pagi dia akan miskol anaknya yang tidur mati ini selama tak sampai 2 kali ringing.

"Ayah, Irah tak sabar nak balik... :'( "

"Ayah, tadi Irah periksa patient, Irah tengok dia macam kena Leptospirosis tapi doktor diagnose dia dengue, Irah tanya dokter lain tengok-tengok betul la dia suspect Leptopirosis!" --> ok yang ni niat nak banggakan ayah tapi ayah sepertinya blur tak tau nak kasi respon apa, mungkin dia tak paham bebelan saye kali ini.

Saya rasa sudah melampau juga tahap saya menceritakan semuanya kepada ayah saye sehingga suatu hari dia telefon saya dan terus bertanya, "Ok hari ni ada nak cerita apa pulak kat ayah?"  "Ehehe takde cerita dah, ayah. Takde takde. Ehehe." (-_-")

Sayang ayah sangat-sangat!

Sebenarnya dah semakin nak habis belajar ni semakin banyak cabaran hidup kat sini. Jiwa saye agak tak tenang, saye takut pikir pasal future saye. Tapi saye tak boleh nak cerita pasal ni kat ayah saye,  nanti dia risau. Saye boleh cerita kat awak je, encik bloggy. Saya nervous, sebab kali ni saya 100% tak dapat predict ape yang akan berubah dalam hidup saya tahun depan. Tahun demi tahun berlalu dan saye masih dapat menjangkakan apa yang saye akan buat dan capai dalam tahun berikutnya, but next year is a totally new chapter of my life. 

I'm just a little bit insecure. I don't need anyone telling me not to think too much about something that is beyond my power. A big hug and a heartwarming whisper telling me everything is gonna be all right, is all I really, ever need right now. 

 P/S: Oh well, I could always get hugs from Puss, but he better don't start whispering anything to me. (-_-")

Letting Go

Today is a great day to let go of everything I don't need in my life. 

Oh bloggy kau tak tau kan aku dah kasi Leo kat orang? Ok in that matter bukan aku dah tak perlukan Leo, tapi aku rasa dia yang dah tak perlukan mama cat macam aku ni. Mama cat yang takde masa nak bermain-main dengan dia dan belai dia tiap hari, so I decided to give him away to a guy who is also a cat lover, and who happens to have two kids at home who will play with Leo everyday. So long, Leo. You have been a very nice company to me for the past 4 years. :')

And today I've let go of some of my old shoes. 4 pasang, termasuk kasut Nike first yang aku beli pakai duit biasiswa sendiri 7 tahun dulu. Phewh  itu antara benda paling lama stay dengan aku. Dan kasut-kasut lain adalah Adidas yang aku pernah sayang gila dan Vincci yang aku pernah pakai sekali je seumur hidup aku. Dan besok-besok it's time for more to go away. Ok should keep in mind that I don't need them anymore and somebody else could make better use of it than me. =)

Same goes to baju-baju buruk yang agak-agak dah sendat dengan badan aku yang ada six packs sekarang ni. =P Dan juga semua meaningless pictures which once were so meaningful to me. Ada ke gambar yang meaningless? Bukan kah a picture is worth a thousand meanings? Mungkin ya kalau gambar tu menarik seperti lukisan seorang Leonardo Da Vinci, tapi kalau setakat gambar-gambar sengih dengan orang yang dah takde kaitan dengan aku sekarang lebih baik dibakar saja hidup-hidup. Adios, baju-baju sendat dan gambar-gambar tak bermakna.

To let go of something you've been holding on to, is not that easy. Memang susah ok, walaupun cuma kasut dan baju buruk. Sebab semua tu pernah jadi benda yang kau sayang. It's exactly like when Andy had to let go of his toys. (menangis berjejeran air mata masa tengok part tu dalam Toy Story 3.) But I have reached a point where I think it's necessary to do so. It's getting unhealthy for me to hold on to something that is unpredictable, unstable and unsure.

"There is only one way of happiness, and that is to cease worrying about things that is beyond our power of will"

So what else for today? Oh ya this crappy feelings I've been clinging to for God knows why, I am letting you go for good today. And don't ever come back! I don't need you. I'm not gonna keep embracing those false hopes anymore.

P/S: Oh this feels good. Now I'm welcoming myself a calmer soul, all the positivity I can get, new people, new great experiences, and perhaps new shoes to fill those empty shoe rack. =D

Precious

Menggodek-godek inbox yang tak pernah tergodek. Found this one email my niece sent me 2 years back;


Sunday, July 6 2008


From: Nilam Karmila
To: Izyan Nadirah

Hi  how  are  yuo.  I    Mis you    because   you  dont  come  here  long  time.  Why dont you come here  long time.

from nilam


I marked that email, and move it to a folder named 'Precious' along with other few emails from ayah.


P/S: Sometimes I just wished that time hasn't flew this fast.

Turning to a Quarter of Century

Oh tak sempat saye mengepost entry tentang usia saye yang telah melonjak ke 15 tahun (+10) baru-baru ini.

25! Phewh! I am now a 25-year old lady. Ecece lady tuh. I always figured that by 25 I would have finished my study, have a great job, being in a steady relationship and ready to start making 10 children. ;-P

Obviously, I have achieved none of them, not yet. Apart from finishing my study soon, others are not gonna happen anytime soon I must say.

But I am, a truly grateful 25-year old human being. I am blessed with the 25 years of life being given to me, 25 years of experience, of ups and downs, of a continuous learning process. Thank you, Allah. =)

Was having a bad cold flu during the day of me turning to a quarter of century. Maybe it was my body refusing to accept that I am now one year older.  However I still went out to celebrate with some of my friends. Thanks guys for the cake and fun. =)

P/S: Being 25 is awesome! Not sure if I can still say this and mean it when I turn 30 tho. (-_-")

Tolonglah perempuan

Nak balik nak balik nak balik! (sambil menghentak-hentak kaki seperti seorang perempuan suku abad yang hilang tabiat)

Tolonglah, perempuan tersebut sudah hampir menginjak ke umur 25 tahun tapi masih homesick macam budak umur 13 tahun yang ditinggalkan orang tuanya di sekolah berasrama penuh di Johor Bahru suatu ketika dahulu.

Masih menangis bila kena berpisah dengan ibunya yang berumur hampir 56 tahun, yang juga tidak kalah tangisannya bila berpelukan dengan anak perempuannya itu sebelum pulang ke tanahair.

Masih sebak dan sakit dada melihat lambaian dan senyuman dari ayahnya yang kelihatan tenang meninggalkan dia sendirian di perantauan, walaupun senyuman tenang dari wajah ayahnya itu terbukti palsu semata-mata apabila setelah sampai di tanahair setiap hari menelefon anaknya itu, bahkan sehingga menyuruh cucunya yang berumur 4 tahun untuk menambahkan lagi sebak di hati 'aunty'nya itu dengan bertanya, "Bila acik Irah nak balik? Kenapa lama sangat pergi sekolah??" 

Oh hati ini meronta-ronta, menjerit-jerit nak balik. Jiwa yang beberapa hari yang lalu sungguh tenang apabila ruang rumah sewanya yang sempit ini diisi oleh suara mak dan ayah membaca Quran siang dan malam, sekarang sudah  kembali kesepian dan berkecamuk. (Iye, kena lebih banyak mengaji sendiri lepas ni. Ehehe.)

Tolonglah perempuan. Kau dah nak umur 25 tahun tapi lembik macam ikan bilis!

P/S: Nak balik!!! (~_~,)

If I'm Not Married by 30

I will be graduating from my medical school by the end of this year, InsyaAllah.

So most probably I will be working in Malaysia as a medical houseman starting January 2011. And if everything goes fine, I will become a medical officer after two years. From there, I will have to decide whether I want to specialize in any special medical field or not. 

So here's the deal. If I am to get married, settle down, have kids, bla bla bla by the age of 30, I will have to make sure that my life is not gonna be that hectic. So I have to choose a specialty that does not require me to work overtime, with less on-calls, and more time on my own family. Likely I would choose Family Medicine, or I might as well not specializing in anything and just go on as a general physician.

But...

If I'm not married by 30, I am going to choose one of those social-suicidal specialties, such as surgery, perhaps neurosurgery. (-_-") (Ehehe rasa sangat tidak layak cakap nak jadi neurosurgeon but truthfully I am quite interested in neuro. It's indeed very interesting and challenging )  Or.. Maybe I will choose to be an internist and specialize in endocrinology. I love hormones. (Ehehe walaupun tidak layak juga otak berkarat ini untuk jadi seorang endocrinologist. )

I'm not a fan of a hectic life, but I'm gonna love it if in future I am destined not to have any other obligation than to focus on my career. That's the deal, will totally devote myself to humanity and endless learning precess, and indulge myself with high salary if I'm not settling down by 30. 

Well, let's leave all this to fate shall we? ;)

P/S: Pediatrics exam in 3 days, dan saye sempat blogging. Camane nak jadi neurosurgeon ha cik koyan. Pffft! ("-_-")

Missing You

I'm thinking of you and I miss you a lot..

I miss talking to you.. Talking to someone who knows me better than I know myself..

I miss the way we used to laugh and smile, like nothing would ever hurt us..

I miss the way we used to argue and fight, and knowing deep inside that it is not right..

I miss the way you used to care about me when I feel like falling apart, saying it'll be all right..

 

It's really sad that it had to be this way. 

I miss you like hell..

I miss my friend..

P/S: This is pathetic but I can't help it.. (-_-)

Kaedah Mengorat Cuba Jaya

Aku rasa naik meluat. Apesal lelaki-lelaki sekarang kalau nak mengorat terus cakap nak masuk meminang? Terus tanya hantaran nak berapa?

Apa muka aku ni desperado sangat ke diorang belum apa-apa tanya harga aku macam nak beli rokok kat kedai runcit.

Ke aku je yang asyik jumpa laki-laki kualiti haprak macam ni?

Ke memang macam ni cara orang berumur macam aku ni mengorat? Dah tak ada challenge nak impress perempuan, dah tak ada nak bagi rasa butterflies-in-the-stomach thingy tu, dah tak ada kejutan, dah tak ada excitement, direct je tanya pasal hantaran nak berapa.

Kadang-kadang malas nak layan sebab pikir diorang ni bergurau, tapi bila tak layan, diorang asyik kejar je, kata diorang serious. Serious apa kejadah nye la. Serious nak kena reject?

Bila aku tak layan, orang kata aku kuat memilih, jual mahal. Habis kau nak aku respon apa kalau belum kenal dah tanya soalan-soalan macam tu? Belum betul-betul kenal dah kata love you, miss you, demam rindu, tak lena tidur la.

Aku tak marah, tapi kecewa. Kecewa sebab asyik jumpa mereka yang menjengkelkan macam ni.

This type of man would only make me feel worse, like I'm some perempuan murahan who they can directly talk about the price to marry me, or say 'I love you' without actually meaning it, without even getting to know me first!

Apa kau ingat mengorat semua perempuan tu senang macam jawab soalan kebarangkalian pakai kaedah cuba jaya ke? Hodoh-hodoh aku pun, aku ada perasaan juga. I wanna feel special too.. (-_-,)

What the bloody fuck. I'm not fussy, but I'm just not that easy. 

P/S: Soulmate.. where art thou? (-_-,)

Final Year

I want to write something. I need to write something. But I don't know where to start, how to begin. 2009 has passed like a passing evening. Felt as if I was drowning throughout the year.

After 2 years I've been writing to you bloggy, I am now still a lonely girl (or must I say a 'woman'?), sitting in front of my laptop (not quite the same laptop though), feeling empty inside, trying to make myself happy, surviving every second of my life on this strange land. 'Lonely' here doesn't count for the part that I'm single, (although that is undeniably one of the contributing factors) but it's more about this distant feeling that I have right now, as if I have strayed a bit too far from the road I should have stick to.

I will soon reach the final point. When I say 'final' it is ironic that I'm fully aware that it's not gonna be a 'final'. My suffering on this poo poo land might end soon, but a new chapter of my life will have to begin thereafter. A new chapter that I can't possibly know, nor can I even imagine of what lies beneath it.

Since I was a child, I have never imagined myself becoming a doctor. 'Playing doctor' was never my favorite game. I rather played hide and seek, or police entry one-two-jaga, or main masak-masak than to play doctors. Even now when I look into the mirror, seeing myself wearing lab coat and a stethoscope hanging around my neck, I am still not sure if this image suits me well.

And what keeps me going until this very moment is hope.. Hope and dream of a meaningful future life. I dream for a simple life in which I can feel content and happy with what I'll be doing.

All I ever wanted in this life was 'stability'. But then I realized, what's the fun of it if we can predict everything? I will leave that new chapter of my life to be a big surprise for me. All I have to do now is to be mentally-prepared and to leave everything in Allah's hand, and be grateful for each and every ease and hardship that occur in life.

Alhamdulillah..

P/S: Been drowning for a year, now I'm back! Macam turtle pulak. Ehehe ("-_-)

I Will Always Be Your Sister

Way to go!

Delete me from your friend's list, you might as well delete me from your life if you want..

Too bad for you, that's not possible cause I'm staying! Hahha..

I'm going to stay right here as your sister..

I will never move an inch away from you..

I will never give up on you.

You can hate me. You can hate your family. You can 'create' reasons to hate us.

You can stick to that 'problematic teenager' as your self identity for as long as you want.

You have never tried to fix anything, and you never let us try to fix you, and then you shut us out from your life, and tell the world that you're unhappy. How unfair is that?

But trust me, one day, I'm sure as hell that you will finally realize..

that family is the one who will stay by your side when you're in trouble, family is the one who will take care of you when you're sick, family is the one who will never, never ever give up on you, family is the one who only wants the best for you.

We might have different perceptions on something, we might fight over something not worth it, but we share this very same blood that can never draw us apart.

I feel sorry for you that you're stuck with a sister like me for lifetime.

Well face it!

I will always be your sister, no matter what happen.

I will always love you.

If you give me the chance, I'll be the best friend you ever knew.

Definitely not the one who will destroy you...

:"(

P/S: Happy birthday.. Have a blissful, wonderful birthday.

Dua Cerita Yang Sangat Berbeza

Cerita di siang hari...

Balik dari kelas, aku naik scooter seperti biasa. Aku sangkut plastic sandal aku kat tempat gantung barang kat scooter aku. Tiba-tiba tengah poyo-poyo pecut macam minah rempit, aku tak sedar plastic bag aku tercicir. Aku dah hampir sampai rumah, tiba-tiba dengar ada motor hon belakang aku. Aku berhenti.

Pakcik atas motor tu bagitau aku, plastik aku tercicir. Dia ajak aku pergi cari balik.

Aku cakap kat dia, "Nggak pa2 pak. Paling udah ada yang ngambil sandalku itu."

Tapi bapak tu ajak juga aku pergi cari balik. Dia sanggup follow aku sampai macam tu sekali cuma untuk bagitau aku plastic bag aku tercicir, aku tak sanggup nak tolak. Aku ikut dia. Akhirnya aku dapat balik sandal aku tu. Tak sempat aku nak paling cakap terima kasih kat bapak tadi, dia dah lesap.

Aku senyum dalam hati...

Kesimpulan: sangat gembira berjumpa orang Indon yang ikhlas menolong dan sangat baik hati.

Cerita di malam hari...

Aku keluar dinner dengan Naren pergi makan ketam masak cili yang aku masak lagi sedap kot. Semangat aku cerita kat Naren pasal laki tua yang baik hati tadi.

On the way back...

Lepas dari satu traffic light tiba-tiba ada motor lain hon belakang kitorang. Motor tu mendekat sebelah motor kitorang. Ada sorang lelaki lengkap berjaket dengan muka bertutupkan helmet.

Bila dia dah kat sebelah, tiba-tiba dia keluarkan pistol pelan-pelan dari jaket dia.

Dia acukan pistol tu betul-betul kat kitorang.

My heart stopped breathing for a while... I stared at him in horror.

Masa tu aku pikir...

- is this the way I'm gonna die?

- benci sangat ke diorang dengan orang Malaysia sampai sanggup nak bunuh kitorang macam ni.

- Naren la ni pergi pakai turban! Kalau tak sure orang tu tak tau kitorang orang Malaysia.

- eh scene ni macam itu cerita James Bond la. Cuma muka wa talak macho macam itu Michelle Yeoh. Muka Naren toksah cakap la, paling hero dia boleh dapat pun muka macam Rajni Kanth.
- mak... ayah...

Lelaki cilanat itu akhirnya memasukkan balik pistol dia dalam jaket dia dan blah macam tu je., mungkin sempat tertawa di sebalik helmet buruknya itu sebab puas hati kot tengok muka ketakutan aku.

Terketar-ketar aku masa tu.

Aku terus suruh Naren bawak aku balik. Rasa macam dunia di luar rumah tak selamat langsung.

Naren kata pistol tu air gun je. Entah macam mana dia recognize itu airgun di saat2 genting tu pun aku tak tau.

Still, air gun or not, someone actually pointed a real-looking gun to me just now. And I feel really really really insecure right now. I was terrified like hell.

God.. what a crazy place I'm living in right now.. :'(

Kesimpulan: F*** Indon

P/S: Nak belajar menembak! Nak beli air rifle, bila jumpa lagi orang saiko tu boleh terus tembak dia macam tembak tikus.

I Cannot Cry!!!

Tajuk bukanlah sebagai kata-kata semangat supaya aku tak menangis, tetapi dengan murni bermaksud aku tak boleh menangis, as in I wanna cry but I couldn't.

Kenapa entah sejak akhir-akhir ni bila aku rasa nak menangis mengenang nasib diri yang kadang-kadang pathetic, aku tak dapat, atau sangat susah untuk keluarkan air mata.

Nak kata sebab lacrimal gland (kelenjar air mata) aku bermasalah, aku rasa tidak. Sebab baru hari tu aku nangis tengok Upin Ipin The Movie. Ehehe ye, aku boleh ternangis pulak tengok part Raju nak berpisah dengan Opek. Jangan nak kutuk ye.

Bila tengok cerita sedih (part Raju dan Opek tu memang sedih ok!), tanpa dipaksa-paksa air mata aku keluar berjujuran penuh satu baldi. Tapi bila aku ada masalah dan ingin bersedih, rasa macam nak meneran je aku nak keluarkan air mata.

Kenapa ye?

Why can't I cry for myself anymore? Rasa terseksa jugak jiwa raga kalau tak boleh menangis macam ni. Bukan hati je jadi kering, air mata pun rupanya dah kering.

I wanna cry so badly. I wanna cry when I'm feeling sad, I wanna cry during my prayer, I wanna cry when I'm in trouble, when I feel nervous and scared, I wanna cry when I feel tired of being betrayed, tired of being hurt so bad inside, I wanna cry when I'm missing somebody, especially mak and ayah, I wanna cry when I feel so lonely. But I can't anymore.

Why..?

P/S: Wish me luck for my neuro exam this friday. I absolutely hope that I won't cry for that. ("-.-)

Musim Mengawan

Dalam minggu ini sahaja, ada 3 orang kawan-kawan lama aku minta address aku sebab nak hantar kad jemputan kahwin. (Dah nak kahwin baru ingat aku. Itu nasib baik ingat. Ada jugak yang aku tahu-tahu dah ada anak satu. Entah bila kahwin pun aku tak tahu. Ini la nasib belajar jauh. Semua orang lupa kat aku) Baca belog kawan-kawan juga semua cerita pasal kahwin.

Apa ni, musim mengawan manusia ke sekarang ni?

Bila dengar kawan-kawan sebaya aku nak kahwin, bukan aku tak dapat rasa happy untuk mereka, tapi secara tak langsung jemputan kahwin mereka tu seakan-akan menghantui aku dengan suara-suara aneh "Irah.. Irahh.. Kau dah 24tahun. Kau bila lagi ni??"

Hari ni 20.10.2009. Kalau ikut plan aku 10 tahun lepas, aku sepatutnya kahwin setahun dari sekarang, 20.10.2010. Aku dah booking tarikh ni ye, jangan nak tiru, nanti takde sape datang kenduri aku. Tapi kemungkinan untuk hal itu menjadi realiti adalah sangat tipis sekali. Aku pun tak berharap itu akan menjadi realiti.

Sebenarnya banyak juga plan hidup aku yang dah bertukar.

1. Aku nak anak 10.

Memandangkan jadi doktor adalah sangat sibuk, jadi aku mengurangkan jumlah anak aku kepada 7.

2. Aku nak kerja hospital

Kerja kat hospital adalah sangat meng'stress'kan jiwa dan raga aku, aku rasa aku tak cukup kuat nak kerja hospital. Jadi aku mungkin akan buka klinik kat kampung je nanti.Kecuali kalau aku tak kahwin, maka aku akan consider untuk serahkan jiwa raga aku kepada hospital sampai mati pun kat hospital tu kalau boleh. 

3. Balik nanti kalau ikut nafsu serakah aku, aku nak terus beli kereta best.

Tapi setelah dipikir2, ku rasa aku nak pakai scooter je dulu. Setiap hari pergi hospital naik scooter. Weee! Ustaz aku kata hidup kena wasatiah. Wasatiah tu apa? Pergi bukak balik buku pendidikan Islam form 5 terbitan Pelangi.

Ini cuma beberapa dari plan hidup aku yang dah berubah arah sikit, mungkin setelah dipertimbangkan dengan lebih rasional.

Apapun, kepada kawan-kawan aku yang bakal berumahtangga dalam masa terdekat ni, aku nak pesan sikit...

1. Jangan lupa jemput aku walaupun kau orang tahu aku tak boleh nak pergi.

2. Jangan lupa pergi kursus kahwin, kursus masak-memasak, kursus menjahit, kursus mengurut badan dan macam-macam kursus lain sebelum kahwin.

3. Pilihlah warna baju kahwin, yang bukan saja sesuai dengan warna kulit kau, tapi haruslah sesuai juga dengan warna kulit laki kau. Jangan selfish ok. Laki kau pun nak nampak segak juga masa kahwin.

4. Jangan lupa pakai losyen tangan mulai dari sekarang supaya kulit tangan kau masa nak disarungkan cincin tak kelihatan kusam. Hehe.

Baiklah itu saja pesanan-pesanan berguna dari aku yang kau orang takkan dapat di mana-mana kursus kahwin pun.

Selamat berkahwin, congratulations! I'm really happy for you guys. Ok this time I really mean it. ("-.-)

P/S: Never stop dreaming.. Perhaps one day the dream that you wish will come true.. =D